0:00
Welcome back. Yay, you're here with me again. It's your girl Stefanie. And today, hopefully I don't get too intimate, too vulnerable with you. But I am following my gut with what I'm going to share today on this episode. And it has to do with neuroplasticity and something that I have recently been working on. And I thought it'd be a really good example for you to see how I take something that I'm working on through the six stages for myself to create something different in something new.
0:34
So a few months ago, it was brought to my attention, by my husband, that I avoid intimacy. And not just physical, not just sex - but there's other ways that I avoid intimacy within my relationships. And it was really hard to take in and hear, but I sat with it, I let him share what he was feeling. And I could have gotten defensive about what he was sharing about my behaviors in our relationship. But I chose not to, I chose to really be present with what he was saying, trying to communicate to me and take it in in a way that I could actually see where I am. In a relationship, the things I do the things I think my behaviors, my unconscious patterns.
1:25
And that's when stage one happened for me when I really took a look at where I was, what I was doing, what I was thinking, how I was behaving. And I popped in and out of self judgment, right. I think that's a natural tendency. And I didn't, I try not to judge myself for judging myself, right. And I just was unpacking the internal things that were driving the lack of connection on my part. And some of the things I realized were quite profound and quite deep. As I was taking a look at how I came to my relationship. Something I learned about myself that I kind of had an inkling of, but this really created a bubble for me to deepen that awareness was that I have an energetic wall, that protects me. And it protects me from pain. But it also protects me from pleasure, and from the good things in life. And I was using this filter, this protective mechanism that I picked up when I was younger, in my marriage, I was protecting myself still in certain ways that were blocking his ability to actually be able to connect with me in the way that he needed to.
2:40
And another perspective that I became aware of that kind of shocked me was that feeling safe and secure, are more important than being happy and having connections. And that's a big thing. When someone's walking around with that kind of belief, it blocks connection, it blocks happiness. I was literally creating awareness around where I was in my marriage, and what I was actually responsible for. And that can be a hard process. But for me, when I take responsibility, now it feels very empowering. Because when I own it, that also means that I can change it.
3:23
And after I had a pretty good idea about what was happening for me, in my marriage, I started taking a look at the future, what would I rather have instead, and this is phase two, it's really lining out where you want to be. And in that process of really figuring out where I was and where I wanted to be, I realized that I was cutting myself off from a lot of the things that I wanted, because of perceptions that I had picked up in my lifetime of experiences. And I had to get really honest with myself about the fact that I craved connection as well. And I was blocking it for myself and I was blocking it for my partner.
4:02
And so that was one of the things that I was looking to move towards was releasing that wall and being open to connecting and being open to being vulnerable and being open to being completely myself. And that also brought up some awareness of fear of rejection, fear of being abandoned. If someone really gets to know me, then they're gonna leave because there's something wrong with me. Right, that limiting belief. It's interesting how stage one and stage two really for me cycle back and forth of being aware of where I am looking at where I want to be, and then having more awareness about the things that are gonna hold me back from having that thing.
4:42
And then I started moving into stage three, I started asking myself questions. I was bridging the gap between where I was and where I wanted to be. I started asking myself questions like, "What's the next baby step I can take to open up just a little bit more to being vulnerable and being more intimate in my Marriage". And I started practicing those little things. And for this particular example, one of the first things I did was I started to cuddle on the couch with my husband more often. Because his love language is touch. And he needs that. And I had some resistance to it. But I knew that it's just a baby step. And I was building that bridge from where I was, and where I want it to be. And I gave myself permission to be uncomfortable, as I was taking those little baby steps along the way.
5:31
And then in stage four, with emotions and intuition, this is so helpful to understand the difference between the two. Because as I was going through this process, I was creating awareness, I was identifying where I wanted to be instead. And I was looking at the gap in between, and taking baby steps towards creating that new thing. And I realized that I couldn't rely on my emotional state to tell me what was the next step. And the reason was because I had so many limiting beliefs, producing emotions in my body, that it wasn't giving me accurate feedback. So I did a lot of tapping during this phase with the fears that were surfacing for me. And as I did this, as I held space for those emotions, and started to clear out some of those limiting beliefs, my intuition started to become more pronounced with what needed to be happening next for me.
6:27
I love tapping for this, to help hold space for those emotions that typically make our decisions, so that they can be processed fully. And then we actually have a deeper connection and more access to our intuition. Which is why a lot of the time when people go through a tapping session, especially when they are speaking the truth of how they feel, and we're clearing that - there's this space opened up for their inner wisdom to start coming through. And I have some of my most profound "aha" moments about myself and what needs to happen next in that phase of tapping. Where I've held space for the emotion, I've processed it, I feel at peace, I feel calm and centered. And then this beautiful thought comes through or this beautiful inspiration comes through that leads me to the thing that's next.
7:17
And I'm not the only one that experiences this, it's really amazing how tapping can help reduce the stress around feeling our emotions, about admitting to ourselves the way we feel, taking a look at limiting beliefs - in such a state where stress hormones are actually being reduced while we are processing the limiting belief, or while we are processing the emotion. It teaches our body, it teaches our brain - that it is safe, and it is okay to speak our truth and to feel our emotions. And then clearing the way to actually tap into our higher selves, and to understand what our intuition feels like compared to an emotion.
7:57
And then stage five is the Fuck-It's. This stage happened for me quite frequently as I was working on this intimacy issue for myself. And I gave myself lots of grace in the process. I remember sitting down on the couch with my husband and cuddling up to him. And of course, he loves physical touch. So he was touching me and cuddling with me. And it felt so uncomfortable on this particular day. There was something that rose emotionally, that I just wanted to push everyone away. And it's because I was so used to having that protective bubble, and then it was down. And so these things sort of rising, these things started surfacing.
8:41
And I just wanted to say, "Fuck it, this is too hard. I don't want to do this anymore. Can't things just be okay the way they were?". Right? This is all happening internally for me as I'm doing that. And I gave myself grace, I needed to get up and walk away. I needed to do some tapping on what was surfacing in that moment. And that's just an example a tiny snippet of what the dip or the Fuck-It's can feel like. Sometimes they only last that long, especially when we become more aware of it and know how to manage it. If we don't know how to manage it, yet, that Fuck-it phase can last a little bit longer. And give yourself permission to step back and reevaluate and give yourself some space. Maybe you took a step that was a little bit too far for you, maybe you need to dial it back and go back to bridging the gap. And see if there's a smaller step that you can do and practice to make the next one feel more available and more natural to be practicing.
9:38
And I, for this particular thing, this intimacy issue that I have been working on. I now consider myself in the unleash your power phase, that's stage six. Where I've taken this through the steps and now I am just practicing it, and practicing it, and practicing it. And it's becoming more familiar to me. It feels more natural for me to sit next to my husband on the couch than it does to sit on the opposite couch. It feels more natural to me to enjoy sexual pleasure with him than it did before. It feels more natural to me to express my needs and my boundaries in my relationship. iIt feels more natural for me to be myself, even at the risk of being rejected. Which I have a fucking amazing husband. I know that that fear for me isn't a reality. He's very accepting, he's very loving, He's very nurturing.
10:31
And if this is bringing up relationship, shit for you, don't worry about it. This is just an example of how it can look like, taking a behavior or a belief through these six stages of the neuroplasticity roadmap. I feel called to say this. And I'm not sure why. But someone listening might need to hear this. If you're in a relationship where you have a partner that is not willing, and not open, and expects you to do all the changing, and really just mold yourself to their needs and their wants and yours don't matter. It's probably not worth your time and energy to do all that internal work on yourself with a partner of that mindset. So if you're there, take a deep breath. Maybe you work on something different with the neuroplasticity roadmap, maybe the relationship isn't the thing that you need to focus on.
11:27
And in order for me to get to this place where I can work on the intimacy piece in my marriage, I. Looking back, I can see that I had done a lot of intimacy, work with my self with a relationship with myself beforehand. So if that's where you are right now, where you can't even love or like or accept yourself, maybe you start taking that through the neuroplasticity roadmap. Because without that acceptance of yourself, everything else will feel so unattainable.
12:01
If you haven't already downloaded your neuroplasticity roadmap, I encourage you to do so. It's like your personal cheat sheet to help you go through these different phases and apply the rules of neuroplasticity in a way that then can create that lasting change. It's a PDF download, it'll be in the show notes, you're welcome to go and grab it and use it. I made it as a cheat sheet for you to make it easier. To make it to where you weren't trying to do it on your own. You had something tangible, to help you through the steps so you can know where you are and where you need to maybe refresh on or make some tweaks To then use your brain's natural ability to change and shape itself in ways that actually are empowering to you.
12:39
And that's it for today's episode. Thank you for being here with me. And remember, please, please remember, you've got this. It only happens one step at a time. You're not going to jump from point A to point Z overnight. I'm in your corner. Talk to you soon.