Crumbling Foundations: Leaving Religion

On this episode, I share with you my journey out of religion. I'm choosing to be real, open, and vulnerable.  It doesn't matter if you're religious, agnostic, atheist, spiritual, or otherwise - there is something in this episode for you. 

Other thoughts on this episode:

• Sharing from an old journal and why I'm grateful for that habit.
• The one message that got me through leaving religion.
• Having a clear intention + elevated emotion can create change.

Follow Stefanie on Instagram
Get the Strength Discovered Newsletter & Freebies

Download Your Neuroplasticity Roadmap

Follow Stefanie on Instagram and TikTok

Transcript

Leaving Religion

[00:00:00] There are certain events in life that are more than challenging that are life altering, foundation shaking, and maybe even breaking. For me that was when I left religion. Leaving my childhood of faith was ultimately one of the best decisions I ever made. It wasn't easy, as I will share in this episode. But it was vitally important for my growth, for my mental health, and in the end for my own spirituality. 

[00:00:41] I was born and raised in the Mormon faith. Now, when people in Mormonism hear people call it Mormonism, or are you Mormon? Um, they don't like that. They prefer to be referred to as a "Member of the Church of Jesus Christ of [00:01:00] Latter Day Saints", but I'm using the term Mormon so that, you know What religion I'm even talking about, because most of the time, if you're not inside that faith, you don't know that that's what they like to be referred to as, as a member of the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints.

[00:01:16] And it's funny how our brains work, because as I was prepping for this episode, I found myself. Having a song come to mind that we used to sing in primary class when we were young and, oh, I was tempted to sing part of it that I remember on this episode, but that might be weird. Just know that as I say that, I do have a tune in the back of my mind coming forward. 

[00:01:47] And ultimately I have a lot of fond memories of being raised Mormon. It was a great thing. There was a lot of beautiful things, very family [00:02:00] oriented. And one thing that I am very grateful for that I was taught through the church was to keep a journal. And it's interesting that this episode is based on my journals from that time in my life and looking back and reading over it, that came to my mind of how grateful I am that I have this experience recorded. And my thoughts are down on paper because it was such a challenging time. I did journal a significant amount more than I probably did beforehand. I was still a regular journaler, if that's a word I don't know, but I am very grateful for a lot of the aspects of my upbringing when it comes to the foundations of Mormonism in general. 

[00:02:53] With that being said, not all of it was great for me. [00:03:00] I had a tendency to be very hard on myself, to guilt trip myself. I had a lot of shame going on because I never measured up. I felt like I wasn't good enough. And when you have a mindset like that, and you're in a religion that does have a guilt and shame aspect to it, it exacerbates those mental programs that you're running. And for me, there were times in my life that it was great and it helped me in a mental health sense, but there were other times in my life where it was not great at all.

[00:03:43] And trying to work through those feelings of guilt and shame with all these rules of religion around you- it's excruciating. I don't know a better word for it. And no matter where you are in your journey, whether you are dealing [00:04:00] with cultural expectations or religious expectations or family expectations or body image expectations, whatever it is, I want you to think about this episode through that lens of when something wasn't your choice.

[00:04:15] So as I was combing back over my journals, I noticed that I was very reflective and careful in my approach of asking questions about the validity of my religion. And I very grateful for that. I'm very grateful that I took time to really explore how I was feeling and to explore what I really wanted without rushing the process, even though I really did want to rush the process, um, because I had one foot in the door and one foot out of the door, and that was a very hard thing. 

[00:04:54] At the time that I decided to leave I was actually a leader [00:05:00] in the primary program for the kids. And I remember very vividly I was teaching a lesson one day and I don't even remember what it was about, but these words were coming out of my mouth teaching from this lesson book. And in the back of my mind, I kept on thinking, "I don't believe this". And I am in a very big way, indoctrinating these children into this religion. 

[00:05:23] And that moment right there. I decided I have to figure out a way to leave gracefully because this is no longer working for me. And I don't want to participate in perpetuating something that I had found to be harmful for me. There's those moments that we have in life, where we make a choice. And for me, that was one of those things.

[00:05:51] And not just a passive choice, like, "oh, I should do this, or I want to do this". It was a choice made with so much emotion [00:06:00] behind it, that it was a done deal. And looking back, it's really interesting because that's one of the concepts of neuroscience is when we make a choice, when we have an intention, coupled with emotion, it's very powerful.

[00:06:18] It's something that becomes a driving force when you have that intention or the choice coupled with the emotion. So in that moment, when I was teaching that lesson, I had one of those choices. One of those intentions, coupled with an emotion that was so powerful that I knew I wouldn't turn back. And at that point, even though I was still participating in the church for a couple months after that, I wasn't really in it.

[00:06:44] My heart wasn't in it. I knew I was leaving. But leading up to that choice, there were reasons that I decided to dive into church history. And one of the big reasons was that my husband decided he wasn't really interested anymore. [00:07:00] I didn't know why at the time, he didn't share at the time. And that's not my story to tell, but I realized that if I was going to stay Mormon, that my household was going to be completely fractured.

[00:07:15] If you're in a home where we have one believing parent and one non-believing parent, especially in a religion like Mormonism, there's a lot of tension. There's a lot of things that are non-negotiable and it can create large issues and broken marriages. It's a very real issue, a very real problem. 

[00:07:36] And I decided if I was going to do that. If I was going to stay and I was going to hold that line, I needed to know without a shadow of a doubt that this was right, this was real. This was the one capital T truth in the entire fucking world. And so I took a deep dive. I read everything. Everything. I made sure that it was accurate. [00:08:00] I double checked references to make sure that it wasn't just some angry ex-Mormon spouting, whatever bullshit that they were angry about.

[00:08:08] And it was a very, a very interesting, hard, challenging journey that I went on. And I wanted to share with you something from my journal during this period of my life, it was about a month before I officially stopped attending. And I had been journaling and reflecting a significant amount before this entry, but I wanted to share it with you because this message is valuable.

[00:08:40] This message is something I still reflect on today. And I left at the end of 2014. And right now we're coming close to the end of 2020. And this message is still clear as day. So here we go. Here's my entry:

[00:08:55] "It's November 24th, 2014. It's 6:00 AM in the morning. [00:09:00] I woke up with these words ringing in my mind. Let it refine you. Not define you. Wow. Powerful. I'm going through a lot right now. And these words sum up my options, whether I find the church to be true or not. I want to choose refining. I'm not sure if I heard those words somewhere recently or not, but I don't think so. I think they're inspired and they've been given to me from a divine source to help me through this faith transition." 

[00:09:31] And I go on, but I will stop there and reiterate this message wherever you are right now in your life, whether you're going through a challenge like this, or at something maybe a little bit smaller, "Let it refine - not define you". I get chills and a little bit emotional every time I say this out loud because of how empowering that was for me. 

[00:09:58] And whether it came from my [00:10:00] subconscious mind, helping me through this or whether it was from some divine source. I have no idea. All I know is that this message that I woke up to on repeat in my mind that morning changed my outlook of leaving. In a very real way. It gave me permission to allow this circumstance to make me a better version of myself, instead of allowing it to define me and to keep me in a place of anger and bitterness.

[00:10:30] And then later that evening, I wrote some more:

[00:10:33] "I feel as if it's been a personal message I've been needing, how grateful I feel right now." Oh, I might get a little bit emotional and cry here. "It literally played over and over in my mind until I got up and wrote it at the top of this page, I'm going through a lot. My entire spiritual foundation has disappeared and I'm open to this process refining me. I will not be defined by [00:11:00] it. I don't know how everything's going to turn out, but I also feel peaceful." 

[00:11:06] So whatever you're going through right now, whether you're struggling with perfectionism or procrastination, or just self doubt in general and negative talk, negative thoughts spirals, let it refine you not define you. Take a step back, get a bigger or broader bird's eye view of the entire situation and see how it can refine you. See how you can look at it completely differently. Now this journal entry was, um, a very inspiring journal entry. They weren't all like that. Right. This was a time where I was going through anger because I was uncovering the real truth about the history of the church that was covered up and wasn't actually taught to the members in a transparent way. And it's invalidated. [00:12:00]Everything I had been taught for my entire life, my entire life. And I'm not going to go into detail about anything that I learned, because that's not the purpose of this episode. I am sharing this episode as a way to inspire you to know that no matter what you're going through, no matter what challenge is going on in your life right now, you've got this.

[00:12:22] You are more than enough, more than enough. Sometimes we just have stories that we tell ourselves that make us feel like we're not. There was a certain point in this journey for me, where I questioned everything. Absolutely everything. When I look back at one of my other journals, I had a gratitude practice going and I was doing it for three years at that point.

[00:12:52] And I stopped, I stopped doing gratitude. [00:13:00] And I find it very interesting when I look back at why I stopped. And I want to share a little bit from my journal with you, just so you can know a little bit more about maybe the way my brain works and what I was going through at the time. So this reflection in my journal was, oh, I don't know, about nine months after I had left and I had still been doing gratitude, but I found it to be a big struggle because I didn't know who I was giving my gratitude to. So I'm going to go ahead and read a little bit from this: 

[00:13:41] "My entire spiritual life has shifted dramatically. I went from a devout Mormon to hoping I could still believe in the Bible or Christ to being completely agnostic. To then being atheist in the midst of this change. I wondered who I was giving [00:14:00] gratitude to, God? The God I no longer believed in? So I stopped. Does that mean I no longer feel gratitude? No, but it does mean that I feel awkward giving thanks because I've always equated that with God. I'm not sure when or how I'll pick up this practice again, but I want to, I just need to reorient myself on how to mentally approach it." 

[00:14:25] And spoiler alert, I have come back to a gratitude practice and I have come back to a deep sense of spirituality. I believe there is something greater than us, but I don't define that. I don't have a word that I hold to as ultimately true, to give a name to whatever that is, whether it's mother nature or universe, or if there really is a God, I don't know.

[00:14:52] I no longer feel like I have to define it, which is interesting and amazing. All at the same [00:15:00] time, I've been on this interesting journey of losing the foundation that I thought I was going to live from my entire life, to watching it crumble before my eyes and being a fucking mess in the process and going through so much anger and bitterness and trying to figure it out.

[00:15:20] And being so scared that I was going to be punished by this God for leaving. I remember because, um, in the Mormon faith on Sundays is the day of the Sabbath. You don't go and do things that aren't appropriate on that day. And shortly after we left, we decided to take the family on a little cross country skiing trip up to the yurt that we have up here. 

[00:15:48] It's a public place that you can go to up river from where we live. And I had so much anxiety and panic in my body driving up the road because it was Sunday. And I thought, [00:16:00] oh shit, well, I didn't, I didn't think 'shit' at that point. At that point, I wasn't swearing - Um, something's gonna happen. Something's gonna go wrong. I'm going to be punished. We're going to have an accident. One of the kids is going to die. Somebody's going to get hurt because we're breaking the Sabbath. And that was all old programming that was coming up very strongly and producing emotions in my body. When we have big transitions like this, we literally have to change the neural networks in our brain in order to move forward. 

[00:16:33] And it becomes this really interesting dance with being uncomfortable in the process because the old programs are still trying to run while you are trying to create a new program. And it is for lack of a better word, uncomfortable to say the least it is this process of one foot in, one foot [00:17:00] out.

[00:17:00] And it's it's hard because emotions feel so viseral, they're so real, we feel it in the body, they're physical. And so it was having an emotional response to this neural network that I had of Mormonism being true. Even though I already had one, well, more than one foot out the door I had left, like I was in the process of questioning everything.

[00:17:23] So no matter what your goal is right now, like I'm using this as an example of completely changing a belief system, in a religious sense. But you can apply this to anything. We all have beliefs or stories that we tell ourselves about ourselves and our capabilities and our worthiness that get in the way. It's uncomfortable to change those things.

[00:17:45] It's uncomfortable to challenge it and to create a new neural network of confidence and courage and value and worthiness. So whatever you're trying to create right now, just keep that in mind. And one of those uncomfortable [00:18:00] push and pull feelings come up because you're learning something new and trying to experience yourself in a different way.

[00:18:07] Feel it. You don't have to sit with it. You can move with it. Right? Give yourself permission to take a walk, to journal, to meditate, to move, to go, go punch a pillow, go scream in a pillow, whatever you need to do, be present with yourself. Then laser in on that choice you want to make. And couple it with emotion in such a way that it creates momentum and inspiration.

[00:18:33] So I'm going to share one more thing from my journal and it's around the concept of not knowing, uncertainty, the fear of the unknown, and I'm sharing it in hopes that it will help you maybe reframe whatever challenge you're going through right now with this feeling of not knowing. And this is written from the lens of leaving religion, because in Mormonism, you know, it all, you know [00:19:00] how it all works, you know where you came from, you know where you're going, you have all the answers.

[00:19:04] So here it is: 

[00:19:06] "I don't know. I've always seen knowing as a good thing and not knowing as uncharted territory that feels unfamiliar, uncomfortable. And yet, sometimes literary. I don't know, I'm finding that. I question everything now. Even my current path. I know I don't want to go back. That chapter of my life is closed and I know I'm headed in the general direction that is better for me, but at the same time, I don't know. And I don't know anything for sure, but I feel okay. And I feel like a chalkboard that has been written on. And now I'm erasing it and cleaning it as I move forward into the unknown. What do I want to write on my chalkboard now? Maybe nothing. Maybe I just want to be."[00:20:00]

[00:20:00] And then a couple months later, I came back to this same journal and reflected on this concept a little bit more: 

[00:20:08] "I want to know something. To have some sort of solid ground to use as my grounding, or base camp, not knowing is a part of life though. I don't want not knowing to be all of life. That feels too scary. So what do I need to know? And what am I okay with letting go of knowing? I know that I'm alive, that I exist. I know that I want to feel at peace. I know that every other living thing wants to feel that peace too. I know that feeling all emotions is a part of life. And I know that clinging to my story creates stress. To know what does that really mean? Do I even really know anything or do I just think I know." 

[00:20:59] And that's [00:21:00] the end of that. And it makes me, it makes me wonder and reflect on this idea of knowing, we think we know so much. We have stories that we tell ourselves that become programs in our brain and we "know" it to be true about ourselves: "I know I'm not enough. I know I can't do this. I know there's something wrong with me." 

[00:21:26] It's just a story. It's all an illusion and we get to choose what we put in our brains and what programs we run. Now. It takes some time and in upcoming episodes, I'm going to share some tips and tricks when it comes to neuroscience to help us create those new programs and get them downloaded into the subconscious mind in a way that they start to feel natural and like who we are.

[00:21:57] And so to wrap this up, remember to let [00:22:00] it refine you, not define you. You've got this.