Can we Control our Thoughts and Emotions?
[00:00:00] Welcome back. This is Stefanie. And today I want to talk about control. I, I have a personal aversion to the word control, and I'm not sure exactly why that is, but I'm going to dive into a little bit today and you can let me know if you feel the same way or not. So when I hear people say that you have control over your thoughts and emotions, it hits me in a way that frustrates me.
[00:00:31] And I think the reason is because of the negative connotations that I have with that word of control. So for me, and this is not in the definition, I checked, but for me, for some reason, when I think of the word control, there was something about being able to prevent a thought or prevent an emotion.
[00:00:52] And from my current understanding, my current belief system, I don't think that that is actually possible to [00:01:00] prevent a thought or to prevent an emotion. And so for me, when people say you have control over your thoughts, you have control over your emotion. There's something in me that says, yeah. Okay. But that's not real...
[00:01:13] That doesn't feel empowering. That doesn't feel good. That feels very disempowering. And maybe it's because I come from the background of being depressed, where you do have that experience and you do not feel in control at all. Like you're at the mercy of your thinking and your feeling, and maybe you can resonate with this.
[00:01:32] And it just feels shitty when people say that, especially when you're in a cycle that you feel like you have zero control, and then you hear that statement. You have control over your thoughts and emotions. It feels so disempowering. And then you start to blame yourself. If that's the case, then geez, I've got all this stuff going on and it's all my fault and then [00:02:00] becomes this cycle of self-blaming, which is not what we want to have happen.
[00:02:05] And I would like to put forward a different way, especially if you resonate with this whole thing about the word control, put it forth in a way that actually feels better. Because when I looked up the word control, it was very interesting to me because the two words that I want to replace the word control with, or in the definition, which is very fascinating.
[00:02:27] And for me means that I've been putting, um, an association with the word control in a way that maybe it's not actually officially defined as if that makes sense. So before I share the definition that I found, I want to put forward my two words. That I would like you to use in place of the word control.
[00:02:49] When someone tells you, you have full control over your thinking and your emotions, the first word is influence. And the second word is direct. [00:03:00] For me, when I, when I say I have the power to influence my thinking and influence my emotions, that feels good. That feels empowering. That feels like something I can actually work with in a way that will serve me in the longterm.
[00:03:19] And the other word direct is the same way. Like even though I have a thought or an emotion come up, I still have the ability to direct where my energy is going and doing with that thinking and with those emotions. So I want to just share with you the definition that I found and when I found it. I was almost frustrated because I felt like, well, shit, the words that I want to use are actually in the definition of control, I just found it kind of funny that I have this different connotation of the word.
[00:03:49] So one of the first ones they found was the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events. And in there, the power to influence [00:04:00] or direct, like those two words influence and direct were right in the definition staring at me in the face. I just found it very interesting, but frustrating at the same time.
[00:04:11] So if you are a person who has the correct definition in your brain, when you hear the phrase that people say that you can control your thinking, control your feeling, then great. The word control works for you. For me, it does not. I do not like the word. It doesn't feel good. So for me, it's influence, it's getting my brain direction, a way to move through it and try as I might, I couldn't find the word prevent anywhere in the definitions for control, which was disappointing.
[00:04:44] I guess you could say the least, because I really thought that the definition was going to support me on the way I felt about this word, but it doesn't. Oh, so my perception of the word control is not reflected in the official [00:05:00]definition. And that's okay. This happens a lot at the time. I think with words we say a certain word, but someone else has a very different interpretation of what that word means to them.
[00:05:11] And, and it can get in the way of being able to communicate. Clearly. I love being able to communicate with myself in ways that feel empowering and that serve me moving forward instead of feeling stuck and disempowered. So I am purposefully swapping out the word control for directing and influencing because feels better.
[00:05:34] So when we think about our thoughts and our emotions, they're not just things that are controlled by our conscious mind. There is so much more going on underneath the surface and driving our thoughts, driving our emotions and driving our behaviors. So when someone says, well, you have control over that.
[00:05:51] It's a big ask. When you're not in control of so much, that's going on under the surface, we are only in control of a little tiny slice, depending on [00:06:00] what we are aware of. Let me actually share this next thought that I was having about this is: yes, we do have control over our thinking and our feeling and our choosing, but only when we have awareness coupled with compassion and curiosity.
[00:06:18] Otherwise awareness without that we can't change, but we're, and this is the first rule of neuro-plasticity in order to be able to create the changes that we want to create. So without that, without that awareness, coupled with compassion and curiosity, your choices are being made by your thinking and by your feeling.
[00:06:40] And I might get some backlash on this. Um, some people might be upset by my stance on the word control and that's okay. I'm putting it out there in case anyone else feels the same way and finds it helpful to use the word influence and direct instead. With that being said, [00:07:00] I love you all. I hope you're having a wonderful day whenever you're listening to this.
[00:07:04] And just remember, you've got this.